Thursday, September 1, 2011

Mix Jokes -1

When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils!

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because his class was so bright!

Why did the teacher put the lights on?
Because the class was so dim!

Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.
So what's so great about that?
It's snowing outside!

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!

Where did all the cuts and blood come from?
The school went on a trip!

What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria?
The food!

 The food in our school canteen is perfect.
 If your a bug!

How did the boy feel after being caned?
Absolutely whacked!

What's black and white all over and difficult?
An exam paper!

Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!

Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray!
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!

Son: I can't go to school today.
Father: Why not?
Son: I don't feel well
Father: Where don't you feel well?
Son: In school!

Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!

Father: I hear you skipped school to play football
Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it!

Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips!

Teacher: What's big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mothers day?
Pupil: The school bus!

What's yellow, has wheels and lies on its back?
A dead school bus!

How do bees get to school?
By school buzz!


Mix Jokes -3

Why do teachers use a bamboo cane?
Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!

Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her"

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"
Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."

If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No." replied the boy.
"I'm the principal's daughter." said the girl.
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!" said the boy with a sigh of relief.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute

Teacher  : I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.
Pupil   : Life imprisonment !

Teacher :What's you name ?
Pupil   : Ravi
Teacher : You should say "Sir"
Pupil   : OK, Sir Ravi !

 How do you spell Hard Water with 3 letters?

Why was the student's report card all wet?
 Because it was below C ( sea ) level.

What school do you greet people in?
 Hi School !

 Why did Ravi take a ruler to bed?
 Because he wanted to see how long he slept!

teacher : What is the plural of mouse ?
pupil   :Mice
teacher : Good, now what's the plural of baby ?
pupil   : Twins

Teacher : Name four members of the cat family
Pupil   : Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens !

Student: The brain is a wonder full thing
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Student: Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class!

Mix Jokes -2

What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had?
The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had!

Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put your hand to your mouth!
Pupil: What?, and get bitten!

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you?
Pupil: Not very much!

Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write .
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!

Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!

Why was the headmaster worried?
Because there were too many rulers in school!

Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons?
Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a train!

Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to?
Pupil: Nobody I know!

How did you do in your tests?
I did what George Washington did!

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!

Teacher: You copied from Fred's exam paper didn't you?
Pupil: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me, neither"!

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here!

What did the computer do at lunchtime?
Had a byte!

"What's the matter with your dinner?"
"Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor later what I've eaten!"

Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

What kinds of tests do they give witches?

Father: What did the teacher think of your idea?
Son: She took it like a lamb
Father: Really?, what did she say?

Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!

What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!

What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

Mother: How was your first day at school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!

I'm not going back to school ever again
Why ever not?
The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!

Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

What's that fly doing in my gravy?
Looks like the breast stroke!

Father: You were absent on the day of the test?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!