Thursday, May 5, 2011

jokes for children

             Laughter is the best medicine. It is found to lower blood pressure, reduce stress hormones, increase muscle flexion and boost immune functions. . Have you ever noticed how relaxed and good you feel after laughing at a funny joke? So, here is a collection of some clean and enjoyable jokes for innocent and lovable children . Read them and enjoy.------

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home. 

Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.

A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.

Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi.

Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A blackboard.

The teacher speaking to a student said, "Sam, name two pronouns."
Sam who suddenly woke up, said, "Who, me?"

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

Q: What is orange and sounds like parrot?
A: A carrot

Q: What has many keys but can't open any doors?
A: A piano.

Q: What has 6 eyes but can't see?
A: 3 blind mice

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.(No-eye deer)


                ALPHABET - JOKES

ESL teacher: You must never begin a sentence "I is ...".
Clever student: Please sir, what's wrong with "I is a vowel".

What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)

Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)

Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)

Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)

Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "

Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)

Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)

Q: What letter is a European bird?
A: J. (Jay)

Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)

Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)

Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".

Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.

Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.

Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise

Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".

Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".

Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)

Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".

Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".

Q: What is the center of gravity?
A: The alphabet V !

Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.


Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.

Summer vacation was over and Little Johnny returned back to school.
Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."


                  HISTORY - JOKES

Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights!

Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener?
He had a bee in his suit of armour!

What was Camelot?
A place where people parked their camels!

Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia?
Must have been a duck family
A duck family?
Didn't you say there was a quack in it!

How did Vikings communicate?
By norse code!

What is a forum?
Two-um plus two-um!

How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships?
With their eyes shut!

Why aren't you doing very well in history?
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!

The Spanish explorers went round the world in a galleon.
How many galleons did they get to the mile!

What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?

What was King Arthur's favourite game?
Knights and crosses!

Where was the Declaration of Independance signed?
At the bottom!

Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
Yes, the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!

Wish I had been born 1000 years ago!
Why is that?
Just think of all the history that I wouldn't have to learn!

Did the Native Americans hunt bear!
Not in the winter!

What does the 1286BC incribed on the mummy's tomb indicate?
The registration of the car that ran him over!

Who succeeded the first President of the USA?
The second one!

Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America?
On their feet!

Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted Mark Antony!

What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans?
Speaking Latin!

Why did Arthur have a round table?
So no one could corner him!

Who invented King Arthur's round table?
Sir Circumference!

Why was the ghost of Anne Boleyn always running after the ghost of Henry VIII?
She was trying to get ahead!

What was the first think Queen Elizabeth did on ascending to the throne?
Sat down!

Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich?
Because the poor didn't have anything worth stealing!

Why did Eve want to move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple!

What did the ghost of Queen Elizabeth say as it floated into the terrified woman's bedroom?
Don't worry, I'm just passing through!

What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
Toga-ether we can rule the world!

When crossing the Delaware River why did George Washington stand up in the boat?
He was afraid that if he sat down that someone would give him an oar to row!

What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?
I don't know, I wasn't invited!

What did they wear at the Boston Tea Party?

1st Roman Soldier: What is the time?
2nd Roman Soldier: XX past VII!

Why did the Romans build straight roads?
So their soldiers didn't go around the bend!

When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
Rust in peace!

What famous chiropodist ruled England?
William the Corn-cutter!

What English King invented the fireplace?
Alfred the grate!

When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight?
When they had lots of sleepless knights!

How did you do in your tests?
I did what George Washington did!

What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life!

Do you know the 20th President of the United States?
No, we were never introduced!

Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood, he had to walk 7 miles to school everyday.
Well he should have got up earlier and caught the school bus like everyone else!

My teacher reminds me of history
She's always repeating herself!

What kinds of tests do they give witches?

What do history teachers make when they want to get together?
What do they talk about?
The good old days!

Whose son was Edward, the Black Prince?
Old King Coal!

Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom!

I'm learning ancient history?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!

What did Noah do for a job?
He was an arkitecht!

Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age?
Pupil: The sausage!
Who was the biggest thief in history?
Atlas, he held up the whole world!

                     MATH - JOKES

Teacher: What's 2 and 2?
Pupil: 4
Teacher: That's good.
Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!

Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Pupil: That's not fair!
You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

Teacher: How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!

What kind of food do maths teachers eat?
Square meals!

If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left?
None, they were all copycats!

I failed every subject except for algebra.
How did you keep from failing that?
I didn't take algebra!

Teacher: Are you good at math?
Pupil: Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math!

Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
Class: At once!

What tables don't you have to learn?
Dinner tables!

1st Roman Soldier: What is the time?
2nd Roman Soldier: XX past VII!

Teacher, I can't solve this problem.
Any five year old should be able to solve this one.
No wonder I can't do it then, I'm nearly ten!

Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?
Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy.

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Patty: Seven!
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Patty: Seven!
Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Patty: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Patty: Seven!
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Patty: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!

The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"

- What is 5Q + 5Q?
   10 Q.......
   You're Welcome!


                       HOMEWORK - JOKES

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: Our puppy toilet trained on it

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: My little sister ate it!

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved away

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: Our furnace stopped working and we had to burn it to stop ourselves from freezing

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost the combination!

Teacher: Did your parents help you with these homework problems?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself!

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."

                   GEOGRAPHY - JOKES

Teacher: Where is the English Channel?
Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up

Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!

"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?" "Well, my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were.
Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!

Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?
Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!

What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
The juve-niles!

Teacher: What are the Great Plains?
Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16!

Teacher: Is Lapland heavily populated?
Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!

Teacher: Name an animal that lives in Lapland!
Pupil: A reindeer
Teacher: Good, now name another.
Class: Another reindeer!

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?
George replied: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.

Teacher : What is further away, Australia or the Moon ?
Pupil   : Australia, you can see the Moon at night !

Teacher : Why does you geography exam have a big zero over it.
Pupil   : It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead !

Teacher : What is an island ?
Pupil   : A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side.
Teacher :On one side ?
Pupil   : Yes, on top !

When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils!

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because his class was so bright!

Why did the teacher put the lights on?
Because the class was so dim!

Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.
So what's so great about that?
It's snowing outside!

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!

Where did all the cuts and blood come from?
The school went on a trip!

What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria?
The food!

 The food in our school canteen is perfect.
 If your a bug!

How did the boy feel after being caned?
Absolutely whacked!

What's black and white all over and difficult?
An exam paper!

Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!

Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray!
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!

Son: I can't go to school today.
Father: Why not?
Son: I don't feel well
Father: Where don't you feel well?
Son: In school!

Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!

Father: I hear you skipped school to play football
Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it!

Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips!

Teacher: What's big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mothers day?
Pupil: The school bus!

What's yellow, has wheels and lies on its back?
A dead school bus!

How do bees get to school?
By school buzz!

What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had?
The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had!

Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put your hand to your mouth!
Pupil: What?, and get bitten!

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you?
Pupil: Not very much!

Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write .
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!

Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!

Why was the headmaster worried?
Because there were too many rulers in school!

Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons?
Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a train!

Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to?
Pupil: Nobody I know!

How did you do in your tests?
I did what George Washington did!

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!

Teacher: You copied from Fred's exam paper didn't you?
Pupil: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me, neither"!

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here!

What did the computer do at lunchtime?
Had a byte!

"What's the matter with your dinner?"
"Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor later what I've eaten!"

Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

What kinds of tests do they give witches?

Father: What did the teacher think of your idea?
Son: She took it like a lamb
Father: Really?, what did she say?

Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!

What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!

What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

Mother: How was your first day at school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!

I'm not going back to school ever again
Why ever not?
The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!

Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

What's that fly doing in my gravy?
Looks like the breast stroke!

Father: You were absent on the day of the test?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!

Why do teachers use a bamboo cane?
Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!

Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her"

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"
Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."

If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No." replied the boy.
"I'm the principal's daughter." said the girl.
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!" said the boy with a sigh of relief.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute

Teacher  : I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.
Pupil   : Life imprisonment !

Teacher :What's you name ?
Pupil   : Ravi
Teacher : You should say "Sir"
Pupil   : OK, Sir Ravi !

 How do you spell Hard Water with 3 letters?

Why was the student's report card all wet?
 Because it was below C ( sea ) level.

What school do you greet people in?
 Hi School !

 Why did Ravi take a ruler to bed?
 Because he wanted to see how long he slept!

teacher : What is the plural of mouse ?
pupil   :Mice
teacher : Good, now what's the plural of baby ?
pupil   : Twins

Teacher : Name four members of the cat family
Pupil   : Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens !

Student: The brain is a wonder full thing
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Student: Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class!